Question:
Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?
Answer:
What a complex question. I mean, at first glance, it seems rather simple. Is this what I want to be doing, really? A "yes" or "no" question. But if things were that simple, I wouldn't be such the basket-case that I've always been.
Because the answer is both "yes" and "no".
The "no":
The life I'm living is no where near the life that I wanted to live. I made so many stupid mistakes, stupid decisions, took stupid paths. I like to try and think that I learned from each of them; That I've used them to grow. But the truth of the matter is I haven't. Not until maybe recently. And that is still iffy... whether or not that was my one wise choice, or just another stupid one.
For awhile I thought that what I wanted was a high paying job, a couple of kids, a husband. I wanted the big house, the fancy cars. Nothing extravagant, mind you. But very comfortable. I was always smart in school, and my biggest stupid thought was that because I was smart in school, I was destined to get all of those things I thought I wanted.
Well, I got the husband and the couple of kids. This is where things got really complicated.
Because then I discovered two very conflicting desires within me: After having my kids, I discovered that what I really wanted was to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know many parents feel that once their child is born, but this went deeper. I discovered that I loved it. I loved keeping the house in order, planning and preparing meals for my family, helping the kids learn and grow. When I had to go back to work, I became more and more despondent about it. I had found where my heart was.
I was able to do this eventually, because my husband made enough money to allow it. It was amazing. However, it was short lived. Because the other side of that desire was the discovery that I did not want a husband. At the time, I thought it was just "that" husband, but as time has shown me, I think it is any husband. I would be okay with a guy for a couple/few years, but then my heart would change. There would still be love, but not romantic love. Eventually it would turn into a resentment. It wasn't the type of falling out of love that could be remedied, either. It's just how I've always been.
So: wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/housewife, but without a husband... LOL
Which brings me to my sort-of "yes":
I finally had an epiphany; One that had been trying to push its way to the forefront of my mind for many years now, but finally made its full appearance. I think the reason that I am unable to completely love someone is because I do not love myself. It sounds so horribly cliche, but I understand the cliche now. I may have mentioned this before, but I have not been alone since I was fourteen. This, I believe, has stunted me. I never allowed myself to grow up- not as me. I grew as whatever would work for everyone else. Not that anyone else knew this was happening, or forced/coerced me to do so. It is just in my nature to mold myself to be of most use to someone else. I forgot to also mold myself to be most useful to me. In not knowing who I am, how to accept myself, how to be myself, and how to love myself, how I can I possibly expect to know how to really love anyone else? How can I expect to devote myself long-term to someone when I am not even willing to do that for myself? How can I know what I want out of a relationship, out of another person, if I do not even know what I want from myself?
So, I've devoted myself to that. That thought, that promise of self-devotion, is actually what started this blog here. Just the idea of questioning different areas of myself- regardless of how small or trivial they might be- to see where my brain lies. To put out honest answers to honest questions to see where my thoughts lie.
So, "no", I am not living the life I truly want, but I am in the process of figuring out just what it is I do want, and how to get there.
Because the answer is both "yes" and "no".
The "no":
The life I'm living is no where near the life that I wanted to live. I made so many stupid mistakes, stupid decisions, took stupid paths. I like to try and think that I learned from each of them; That I've used them to grow. But the truth of the matter is I haven't. Not until maybe recently. And that is still iffy... whether or not that was my one wise choice, or just another stupid one.
For awhile I thought that what I wanted was a high paying job, a couple of kids, a husband. I wanted the big house, the fancy cars. Nothing extravagant, mind you. But very comfortable. I was always smart in school, and my biggest stupid thought was that because I was smart in school, I was destined to get all of those things I thought I wanted.
Well, I got the husband and the couple of kids. This is where things got really complicated.
Because then I discovered two very conflicting desires within me: After having my kids, I discovered that what I really wanted was to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know many parents feel that once their child is born, but this went deeper. I discovered that I loved it. I loved keeping the house in order, planning and preparing meals for my family, helping the kids learn and grow. When I had to go back to work, I became more and more despondent about it. I had found where my heart was.
I was able to do this eventually, because my husband made enough money to allow it. It was amazing. However, it was short lived. Because the other side of that desire was the discovery that I did not want a husband. At the time, I thought it was just "that" husband, but as time has shown me, I think it is any husband. I would be okay with a guy for a couple/few years, but then my heart would change. There would still be love, but not romantic love. Eventually it would turn into a resentment. It wasn't the type of falling out of love that could be remedied, either. It's just how I've always been.
So: wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom/housewife, but without a husband... LOL
Which brings me to my sort-of "yes":
I finally had an epiphany; One that had been trying to push its way to the forefront of my mind for many years now, but finally made its full appearance. I think the reason that I am unable to completely love someone is because I do not love myself. It sounds so horribly cliche, but I understand the cliche now. I may have mentioned this before, but I have not been alone since I was fourteen. This, I believe, has stunted me. I never allowed myself to grow up- not as me. I grew as whatever would work for everyone else. Not that anyone else knew this was happening, or forced/coerced me to do so. It is just in my nature to mold myself to be of most use to someone else. I forgot to also mold myself to be most useful to me. In not knowing who I am, how to accept myself, how to be myself, and how to love myself, how I can I possibly expect to know how to really love anyone else? How can I expect to devote myself long-term to someone when I am not even willing to do that for myself? How can I know what I want out of a relationship, out of another person, if I do not even know what I want from myself?
So, I've devoted myself to that. That thought, that promise of self-devotion, is actually what started this blog here. Just the idea of questioning different areas of myself- regardless of how small or trivial they might be- to see where my brain lies. To put out honest answers to honest questions to see where my thoughts lie.
So, "no", I am not living the life I truly want, but I am in the process of figuring out just what it is I do want, and how to get there.
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